A (un)Healthy Heaping of Guilt

I received a link to a wonderful article today. It deals with the guilt that parents of children on the Autism Spectrum feel.

Boy. That surely was a big mouthful.

Yes, it deals with guilt. I think becoming a parent (period!) lends you a heaping helping of guilt to an often previously guilt-free (to a certain extent, of course) life. Having a child with any form of disability gives you that same helping of guilt, just multiplied a few dozen times. As the parent of a disabled child and a 'typical' child I feel like I can speak on behalf of both camps. Between the two opposing sides, I'll take the guilt involved with 'typical' parenting, thank-you very much.

Sigh. I've often wrote of my struggles with parenting my little girl, Peanut, here. In fact, I find that I write about it often enough that one of my 'tags' or post-labels is 'parental struggle'. Isn't that fun? No. I didn't think so either.

I really appreciated this article because it addresses so many facets of the guilt that parents of Autistic children feel. The feeling of 'not doing enough' or guilt that you 'should be doing more' is what really struck a chord within me. I find that I am constantly 'should-ing' myself to death: I should do this...I should contact this specialist....I should be doing MORE to help her out; this form of self flagellation, the act of 'should-ing' myself is a non-productive habit, yet I still engage in it.

According to the article's author, Jene Aviram, I am not alone. I'm normal. All parents in this subset of life, Autism, feel like they're not doing enough. Each of us looks at one another, and we do, and compare ourselves to what the 'other' parent is doing: we always reach the same guilt slathered conclusion--they're doing so much more for their child; I should be doing more to help my Peanut out. Aviram tells us to stop. She seeks to give us that unattainable absolution; she wants to give us permission to take a break, and just be.

It doesn't sound like a novel idea to the parent in the 'typical' camp of parenthood "take a break," but really, it is. Just like those who work in education, public health, or social services know, there is always more that you could or should be doing. You fall into that trap of 'well, if I skip this break, I'll be that much further ahead.' Just the only thing is, there really is no getting ahead. There's always something else to be done, someone else who needs help. It never ends.

Thank you to D.C. for sending me the link. I highly recommend reading this article: THE GUILT FACTOR by Jene Aviram, found on the National Learning Concepts Website.

Perhaps you don't have a child with Autism, but I imagine you know someone who does, or someone who has a child with another form of disability--I think this article can be applied to any other disabled child, as well. It is all about perspective. Enjoy.